Cancer is so sneaky. When things are going really bad you stress. When things are going really good you stress. It is just the nature of the beast. The last week David has felt so good that Mike and I have both freaked a little. I know it sounds crazy, but we both have wondered if the last dose that was reduced was too reduced:) Even though we have the peace of Jesus, doubt still creeps in. (And we also have a cute little girl in our house that loves to wink and you remember that life is still good).
Despite how much we worry life is still ticking on here on the homefront. Hope and David are loving their snuggle time and play time during the day. We are all addicts of the game Words with Friends on our Ipads, and we look forward to what spring will bring! Kyle has roughly 12 weeks left of school!!
David is really having a good week. The shots are going well, his appetite is still great, and he seems to be feeling well. I know that Mike and I should both be on cloud nine, but we both have been a little edgy. I even picked a fight with him tonight because I did not like something he said yesterday:) We both are just a little on edge. We are excited that Kyle is excited for Little League to start, we just signed Hope up for swimming lessons with three other sweet little girls, and every once in a while I allow myself to dream for a moment about David's big remission party we are planning for the summer.
But about the time that you think that life will eventually get back to normal, the cancer word sneaks back in and doubt takes over. Cancer is so sneaky and permeates every part of your life. I think anyone that has walked this journey would agree that cancer affects everything. David has a clinic visit this week which hopefully will just be a day trip. Next Thursday will be a big day with another scan, chemo, and echo on his heart, and his monthly antibiotic. Maybe we are both just nervous about the upcoming scan, but during this time when things are going so well is when we have both been the nervous.
So tonight we are praising God despite our nervousness and concern. We are choosing to remember that God knows our hearts and that only HE can calm our fears. He knows that we are nervous about the scan. He knows the word relapse has entered our minds before treatment is even over. He knows that we both bawl when we think about this life without David. He knows that we both put on a happy face but underneath we are both scared to death.
The cancer journey is not for wimps. Mike and I both have stumbled along a stretch of this journey where doubt and fear are trying to overcome us. We are scared but because of Jesus we still have hope. This is why we need Jesus not only during this journey but everyday. He is the only one that is bigger and mightier than white blood cell counts, relapses, infections, and cancer. Tonight we are so thankful that he is our Alpha and Omega because without Him we are scared and anxious parents. With him on our side we are all mighty warriors warming up our sling shots to take down this Goliath. Praise you Lord!
I read this and immediately your words took me back to the journey that my husband and I faced many many years ago. My husband had cancer, we went into remission that lasted 5 years and 2 weeks, then the cancer came back with a vengence and we was told that he only had 6 weeks to live. Why am I telling you this? That was 16 years ago .... praise God my husband still remains at my side .... and .... he is cancer free! God is on control of this no mater what the doctors say, no matter how much the devil tries to strip away your hope .... always remember that God has already fought this battle for you, and WON! My orayers are for your family and for little David, God's perfect will be done regarding this matter. I also want you to know what an amazing testimony your words are to your readers. Your words have touched everyone in this household and every word has hit home with each of us. I understand the doubts that creep in, I still live with them on daily basis even tho we have been cancer free for so many years .... the word cancer itself is the only word in the dictionary that can cause a person to come to a complete stop in life .... it's a word that takes your breath away immediately and it;s a word that changes EVERYTHING .... but from experience it is also a word that stregthens you from the inside out, it is a word that makes you put things into total perspective and prioritize all your happenings. I wouldn't wish cancer on someone who doesn't know the Lord, nor would I wish it on someone with no experience with the disease .... my heart breaks for you and I am continually lifting you up in prayer. Sorry for the rambling, but after reading this I felt the need to reach out to you. I know you don't know me, we have never met, we do live in the same county and if you ever need anything, to talk, a shoulder, or just someone to sit in silence at your side I am here. I do understand your fears ...... my email is asanurse@hotmail.com should you want to contact me.
ReplyDeleteI am a complete stranger to you I know but we are sisters in Christ. I also read your blog daily to see how little David is doing. We always keep David & you all in our prayers. It touched my heart so to see little David & Hope wrapped in the prayer shawl that I made for David. Every stitch was stitched with love, hope & prayers for Davids healing.It was also anointed & prayed over by the deacons,elders & preachers at our church. May God always bless you all.
ReplyDeleteWe love that prayer shawl! It is the perfect size for children and we drape it over him as he sleeps. Thanks so much and thanks for all your prayers and love.
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